Daria

Paradigm change

Today was rough. This week I was holding it together, feeling like a pressure cooker, and today the lid blew off.

I am in perimenopause, the spikes in hormones are sharper, and I can feel them in my moods (I am a miserable human, a terrible mother, and I suck at everything) and my outlook on the world (the world is shit).

I’ve talked about my miserable luteal phases on this blog before. I wonder if my usual PMS is kind of turning into PMDD?… That is certainly something I need to discuss with my doctor.

I may need a paradigm change for when T is away. Even if it’s giving myself permission to get takeout, or disregarding the pile of laundry, stepping over the mess, or skipping one class of jiu jitsu. Or hiring someone to help with morning drop off.

I have tremendously high expectations of myself. But they are biting me in the butt.

What are some ways to release some of those, mostly self-inflicted, expectations?

This month I am participating in #NaBloPoMo2025. A running list of participants can be found on San’s NaBloPoMo p a ge as well as more information about this lovely initiative on this NaBloPoMo p a ge.

Pic: my morning buddy

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Daria

Mother, teacher, partner, friend. I love coffee, books, and travel with and without kids. I dislike exercise. Nothing glamorous here but do have moments of insight.

18 responses to “Paradigm change”

Sue Peterson, MA

November 20, 2025

I had a really hard time asking for help when my daughter was younger and my husband was away for work a lot. But, I realized that I was doing everyone a favor when I did ask for help and no one resented it or judged me for it. In fact, I often had people tell me that I should ask more or sooner. So, my advice is to look for places where you can ask for help and ask for it (or hire it if you need to). It is hard at first, but it gets easier every time you do it.

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1. Daria
  
  November 21, 2025
  
  I am cheap and I’d rather hurt my mental health than hire help. Very messed-up.
  
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Elisabeth

November 20, 2025

#Solidarity! It is so hard to have high expectations AND a tremendous amount on your plate.

I have a lot more flexibility now and my kids are older so…it does get better. But you’re in an exhausting season of life. Your kids are old enough to be busy, but not old enough to manage anything on their own.

Your ideas are all great. What would things look like if they were easy when T was away. Takeout (or maybe some freezer meals that you can buy like a high-quality soup, a french bread you can cook from frozen, etc. When I’m home with the kids, I find takeout can be a nuisance, so having things that can be cooked at home with zero prep can be easier).

I forget if you have housecleaners? Could you tack on some extra time once a month for laundry?

And YES to skipping lessons sometimes. I used to try to avoid that because I was paying for them, but it can feel like such a relief to skip them sometimes and gain all that time back.

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Ernie @ nosmallfeetblog.com

November 20, 2025

I like what Sue had to say in her comment. That makes so much sense. I think working out each morning and getting a good night’s sleep (not always something we can control) helps me maintain a decent mood – most of the time. My kids are no longer tiny, and I so remember when I lost it, when I snapped, and how upset with myself I would get when they were very young. Coach was never away, but he worked crazy hours, so I did most of the parenting stuff on my own. That’s not the same as parenting solo with someone out of town though. I vote you give yourself some grace, and know that it will get easier. Hang in there.

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1. Daria
  
  November 21, 2025
  
  Thank you for solidarity, Ernie. I know bad things will probably fade away and good memories stay, but like many of readers said- I’m in the weeds at the moment. And yes, I feel terribly guilty after yelling.
  
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Lisa’s Yarns

November 21, 2025

I think you definitely need to find ways to make your life easier when T is traveling. Your job is to keep the kids alive. Let other things like laundry and cleaning slide. You have to give yourself permission to let some of those standards slide. You have the far harder job of the 2 of you. And I say this as the traveler in my marriage with a very demanding job. My longest day on a work trip is still easier than what Phil faces when he gets home. I make sure to give Phil long stretches of time to do what he wants when I get back from a trip. I’d ask T for the same thing if he isn’t already doing that? And could you go away for a night and use some of his hotel points to really get some time to yourself? I’ve offered this to Phil but he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to do that.

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1. Daria
  
  November 21, 2025
  
  I really need to work on that. May need to put blinders on, like a horse, to only keep kids fed and put them to bed.
  
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Kari

November 21, 2025

I remember perimenopause very well, and it was incredibly hard at times. I can tell you that I feel so much better on the other side of it, and there really is hope ahead. 💜

I think as females (and moms) we often try to do everything. Maybe try letting one small thing go each week, something that won’t bother you too much. I’m OCD, so I know how difficult that can feel, but sometimes releasing even one thing feels surprisingly good.

Sending you a hug. 😘

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1. Daria
  
  November 21, 2025
  
  It’s funny… nobody is giving me a hard time about ANY of this except myself..
  
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  1. Kari
    
    November 22, 2025
    
    We are our hardest critics….🤣
    
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rachelinwales

November 21, 2025

I would struggle in a big way if Andy was away with work, it is so hard to single parent! I know some can do it and make it look great and maybe even experience it as great… but that’s not me. I would definitely recommend asking for help if you can. People to take the kids to school? Transport is the biggie, because you end up using all your “you” time moving kids around. I hope it gets better and you get some you time when T is back.

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1. Daria
  
  November 21, 2025
  
  Thanks Rachel. You are right about transportation..
  
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Suzanne

November 21, 2025

I am really sorry you are going through this. For whatever it’s worth, this feeling — “I am a miserable human, a terrible mother, and I suck at everything” — is something I’ve felt a million times, so you are not alone. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though.

When my husband is on call — which is, admittedly, FAR different from single parenting while a partner is away — we have “on call” rules, which are just a relaxation of things. We normally don’t allow TV on school days, but hey, on call nights, we can watch a little TV. I normally make dinner most nights, but on call nights, I’m fine with just eating a bunch of snacks. I purposefully relax my standards, which makes it feel like we’re doing something “fun,” while simultaneously allowing me to forego some of the normal things that become more stressful when my husband isn’t able to pitch in.

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1. Daria
  
  November 22, 2025
  
  I definitely need to chill out with my expectations of myself.
  
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San

November 22, 2025

You deserve help and some grace. Don’t let anybody (least of all YOURSELF!) tell you otherwise. This is a hard and exhausting phase and it’s ok to not do it all alone.

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jennystancampiano

November 22, 2025

I vote for any and all of these things for you- get the takeout, ignore the laundry, etc. Sometimes you just need a little help. I like what Lisa said- “your job is to keep the kids alive.” Everything doesn’t have to be done perfectly!

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sarahjedd

November 22, 2025

I cannot tell you how much hormones have helped me in perimenopause.

Also! Planning a small something to look forward to when Ben gets home each week has been clutch for me.

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Stephany

November 22, 2025

I have been in such a depressive mood this week, and I started my period yesterday, so I’m chalking it up to that. I am hoping I will be less of a sad sack once I’m past all the stupid period hormones, but ugh. Anyway, just to say: I feel you!

I think everyone has already had great responses, and I hope you take them to heart. ❤ I know how hard it is when you hold yourself to a high standard, but it’s okay to let things slide when you’re solo-parenting.

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