On her most recent episode, Laura Tremaine shared questions to help us reflect on this 5 year anniversary of COVID-19 pandemic. Actually, those questions can be used for any big event, both positive and/or painful.
What do you remember most? I remember that R was just a two months old. I remember that I was in a very, very dark place, physically because I gave birth recently, and mentally, because of the same reason. At the beginning, R was about two months, and L was just a little over two years old. I had tremendous feeling of guilt in a way that L was just fine, and here we are, bringing another creature into her life.
I remember a colleague at work mentioning that there was a virus that is coming from overseas.
I had some form of postpartum situation where I had visions of me falling down the stairs while carrying him. I was scared that something bad would happen to R- he was a baby, with no immunity, and here we are, with this virus that is attacking people’s lungs, and we have no idea what to do about it.
I remember seeing rainbows in people’s windows and on sidewalks when I went for walks with R in his stroller. I remember breastfeeding him, and pumping, and breastfeeding again, and pumping, and pumping. We had a freezer downstairs that I filled with bags frozen breastmilk.
2. How did we get here? I was on maternty leave from my teaching job and remember, in late February a colleague mentioned that schools may lock down. Me: lock down?… So I was totally oblivious to what was happening. I had a new baby, who was a difficult sleeper, and I had some kind of portpartum mental situation.
I remember I was going to attend a social justice seminar at the library with R, but cancelled since I felt uncomfortable with bringing him to places because of this virus.
3. Who went through this with you? My husband, my oldest daughter who was two years and three months at the time, R, who was two months old at the start of it all, my colleagues that grappled with how to teach students online, neighbors, moms’ group, sister friends.
4. Where did you go through this event? Our house and back yard in central NJ. On Zoom. On Facebook.
5. How did you feel then? I felt as a walking time bomb that could explode at any moment. I was depressed and scared of the unknown. I did go to cognitive behavioral therapy that I manipulated my way through. I would not go on meds since I was breastfeeding R.
6. What changed in your world? Oh, you know, just a few things. Having a new baby and a toddler in the middle of global health crisis, mothering and teaching a language online. Having to wear a mask, having to teach L that she needs to wear a mask. Sitting on the lawn six feet apart to celebrate my friend H’s birthday. Doing drive-by birthdays for L’s friends. R lost his job and got rehired the same day for a different position.
7. What changed in YOU? I became more aware of my mental health and the need to take care of it. Regularly and consistently. I went on medication after one year and two months (that’s when I stopped breastfeeding R). I learned creative ways to deliver the material to my students.
8. How do you feel about the pandemic NOW? After five years I am more at peace with the fact that it happened. I want to give the 2020 Daria a big hug, squeeze, and not let go for a long time. Can’t help but think that I should have been gentler with myself and people around me. I should have taken more naps. I should have gone on anti-anxiety meds sooner. I should have cut myself some major slack.
I’d love to hear some answers to the above question. Please link up or answer in the comments.
Mom of Children 